Taking Ames

So it’s a Monday morning and I’m at work. For me, work is the office, the office is the bank, the bank is my desk, my desk is a ball and chain. If I had my shit together and was writing professionally I suspect my desk would still be a ball and chain. When I wrote for TV my computer didn’t magically transform into a tool of enthusiasm, support, hope, love and empowerment. It still teased and tormented me. So I can survive here at my bank-office-desk because I know all the problems are in my head.

I hope you skipped that paragraph. It was boring. It’s Monday morning!

Here’s a more interesting one. I just did a little tweet about Bored To Death, a clever, amusing but often-frustrating HBO comedy-thingie written by Jonathan Ames. My tweet was critical of the show’s portrayal of women. I wrote:

6 episodes into season 1 of #BoredToDeath and not one realistic, sympathetic woman yet. All clichés. Killing the fun, @JonathanAmes

And a few moments later @JonathanAmes replied:

sorry! i suck. i'll try to do better in the future.

Hmmm. @JonathanAmes is followed by 14,720 people. This is the man.

My first impulse was to feel bad. Writer to writer, nothing sucks like criticism (well, maybe stab wounds).

Now, you might be thinking ‘Even if this IS the real Jonathan Ames, he’s not really sorry! He’s jerking your chain!’ You know, you might be right. But you’re not, you’re wrong. It’s more complicated than that.

Now, of course he’s not really sorry. He’s virtually single-handedly writing a HBO series of his own design and style: HE IS LIVING THE DREAM! He’s not sorry. And the words ‘I suck’ are melodramatic, passive-aggressive and almost twee. He knows he doesn’t suck. He rocks and he knows it.

But he’s a writer - a sensitive human being - and if criticism stings him even 10% as much as it stings me there’s an element of pain in his reply.

As I said, my first impulse was to feel bad. I started to write something consoling, because real professional writers apparently need hugs from aspiring nobody writers when the going gets rough. We all need hugs, dammit.

Then I looked around my desk, my office, my life as a 42-year-old pseudo-writer and realised that *I* need the hug. ME! I need a hug, a huge hug from all the professional writers out there fulfilling themselves at their desks of wonder. And I need a slap, a hard slap. And a good talking-to. Same as him.

So I replied:

@JonathanAmes Yes, do better. You're a great writer. Just disappointing yr women lack the complexity, inner-turmoil & play of the men

Which is the truth. If you’re going to sting someone, you might as well do it as honestly and precisely as you possibly can.

And now the tables turn. I will finish this train of thought and return to office work, bank work, for the rest of the day.

It’s my slap. My daily talking-to. Slap slap slap. Bad writer!

And tonight I’ll watch the Oscars. Slap! Bad!

And tomorrow I’ll be back here. Slap slap!

But somehow I’ll do better in the future.